dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
