so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
