There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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