So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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