she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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