There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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