Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
