My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
