Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
