Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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