sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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