you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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