Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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