I just cut my nipple shaving
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
