I am puke
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
