when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
