I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
