got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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