if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
