I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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