New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
God, I missed his penis.
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