remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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