I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
