Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
