The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
