My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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