I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
