You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
