sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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