Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
