I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
