the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
