Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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