i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
