And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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