By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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