I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
