so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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