Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
