Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
