If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
