so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
