Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
