I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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