Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
