i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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