Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
