Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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