the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
