His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
